The Bullshit Whisperer: A non-constructive ad hominem approach to animal communication

Other articles from HARMONI-expo:
Introduction: A Trip Through The Human Mind
The New Time Energies and AuraTransformation™: A study on modern delusions and gullibility
The magic bullet of "classical" homeopathy
Revelations: Saint Germain and the Violet Flame
The Peril of Dark Energy Crystals
Exclusive for Treatise readers: Faith Healing Voucher Giveaway


Communication between humans and animals has been widely popularized by the media and in books and TV-shows, up to the point where it has gained a fair amount of legitimacy and assumed credibility in the face of a huge lack of positive evidence. I’m not referring to the verbal and non-verbal cues and commands that every animal owner use to communicate with their pets, but rather the concept of telepathically facilitating images and emotions – which was the topic of the lecture me and Mr. Libel attended. All animals, wild as well as domesticated, are allegedly able to communicate in this way.
I find it odd that telepathic communication between animal and human is more accepted than telepathy between two humans. I can’t really see the difference. Both are equally unfounded.

The male/female ratio at the expo was very skewed, with a much larger proportion of fat middle aged women than men. The few men there were most likely forced to accompany their spouses. Madness, just as food, tastes better with company it seems.
The cute wicca girls¹⁾ were also – much to my dismay – a minority, literary obscured by the herd of mindless housewives stampeding to get their future read and their fat therapeutically massaged by oriental girls with magic hands.
For this particular lecture we were painstakingly reminded of the imbalanced gender ratio: Except for the lecturer²⁾, a professional animal communicator, there was only one member of the male persuasion³⁾ in the room, me and Mr. Libel excluded. The rest were ugly women in their mid forties and their even more hideous daughters. And all of them with great hopes of learning how to read the minds of their little darlings. I feel quite sorry for the poor animals. Having such delusional masters is somewhat equal to having well-meaning, albeit disturbed, parents who suffer from the God complex and do their outmost control their offspring, obstructing the path to a normal, healthy and independent life. How would you like to have someone read your mind? Have these people no respect for the concept of privacy? I hate meddling imbeciles who stick their nose where it doesn’t belong.
Leave dog thoughts to the dogs and idiocy to the idiots.

One interesting tidbit the lecturer threw out was that you can communicate with animals remotely. He told us a story about a dog owner who had problems with her dog relieving itself indoors when no one was at home. This, it turns out, was caused by the mistress unintentionally sending the dog commands to urinate when she thought about taking the dog out for a walk whilst at work. Fancy that. The lecturer was far too prone to spew boring anecdotes, giving very little concrete advice and no testable evidence what so ever. Most of what he said was just irrelevant fluff. I can’t be bothered with listing all his little stories here. Just think of any stereotype about animal behavior and characteristics and project that on a human mind, preferably that of a child, and you’ll get the picture of how animals are, according to him.
He confirmed that cats are egoists from his vast experience of talking to them. Hell, I too talk to cats, but I've never expected them to answer.
Oh, and animals also encounter life crises. Remember that when your hamster refuses to speak with you, it’s because it is going through a rough period of its life – probably because you freak it out and won’t give it enough space to grow as a hamster. You limit its personal development by constraining it to your narrow view of what a hamster should be, you insensitive asshole.

Having taken riding lessons in my youth I am acquainted with various kinds of horse bitches⁴⁾ and can spot them with fairly good accuracy. Right next to us we had a prime example of one: Pony tail, ugly jeans with the belt far above the navel, disproportionally wide hips, in dire need of a dental plan, shrill voice and a face only a horse could love⁵⁾. To make matters worse, the lecturer allowed her to open her vile mouth and speak.

Also: Auras. No weird belief is complete without one. If you can read auras you have an advantage in animal communication. By studying it you can spot chronic diseases as well as the animal’s general mood. Pretty much what you can tell from the human aura too, or so I’ve been told.

We were given a word of warning concerning the messages pets can send out and the hazards of misinterpreting them. If you, for example, were to pick up images from a dog where the dog is regularly beaten by a human you shouldn’t wildly go and accuse its owner of animal abuse. Keep in mind that someone else might be the culprit; do not automatically assume that the owner is guilty of the crime.
Yeah, I guess those who label themselves animal communicators would get a bad reputation if just any riff-raff started making such claims wantonly. Those claims do, after all, affect people’s lives in a potentially serious way. That kind of attention would force practitioners into acknowledging that not just anyone is suited for the task, thus loosing the ability to say that anyone can do it. The target group of their seminars and courses are the bottom of the weird belief food chain. They must be stupid enough to have faith in what they’re told and accept the theories without any shred of evidence. The problem is that with that kind of stupidity you can’t assure yourself that you’re not going to get a huge bunch of idiots acting in ultimately self-destructive ways, defaming the profession and destroying whatever little credibility you’ve managed to build. On the other hand, you can’t employ intelligent and reasonable people⁶⁾, because they laugh at you. Or if they’re polite, they’ll smile and nod and hope for you weird person to go away as soon as possible.
There are levels of sanity even among crazy people. In this case – the same goes for any weird belief-franchise, by the way – you don’t want the worst loonies as colleagues. This narrows your selection down to those stupid enough to accept your bullshit as truth but who still has a sense of self-preservation and the charlatans.

After about 30 minutes of wearying bullshit we finally got down to business: An actual exercise in animal communication! That’s what we all had been waiting for. We were instructed to close our eyes and relax, trying to reach a meditative state of mind. After that he said to visualize the animal and project ourselves into it for the purpose of finally merging with it. Then, when you are one with the animal, the communication can commence! Apart from sending and receiving images (since animals don’t use words, obviously) you can now feel with all the animal’s senses and perceive any injuries the animal might have. It is also possible to share thoughts, emotions and messages.
I bet many ladies in the audience found the experience erotic. It sounds like furry vorarephilia/phagophilia porn to me. Yiff in hell, sick fucks.

The good news? Anyone can do it! If you fail it’s OK, since not everyone is an expert. But with training you can improve your skills… For a small fee, of course. And only as long as you don't cause a disturbance.

The bad news? No possible way for external validation or falsification. A good thing for the True Believer since it also means that no one can disprove it. It’s so much easier to hold on to your cherished beliefs if no one can prove you wrong. It doesn’t matter much that you can’t prove yourself right either, doesn’t it?


¹⁾Not quite as interesting as goth chicks, but still doable (as long as they’re not too chubby).
²⁾Who was gay.
³⁾Probably also gay.
⁴⁾From Urban Dictionary:

1. horse bitch
1. A girl who is obsessed with her horse, thus ignoring all those who a) do not own a horse, b) ride a horse, c) want to ride/own a horse

"That fucking horse bitch totally blew me off."

⁵⁾Though only platonically.
⁶⁾Unless they lack a decent moral standard and start doing it for the profit, knowing it’s all bullshit.